Monday, April 11, 2011

Kensou! chapy 1


Feathers … the classroom was filled with white feathers scattered all around.

The doorknob was twisted from outside and the door swung open .. one of the students entered. Enough rays of the sunlight came in from the windows, which were half removed from the bindings, into the room. It revealed the classroom to be a huge wide class and the student to be a young female one, 6 feet tall, with blue wide round eyes and wavy hair halfway down her back, wearing a light pink blouse, a white skirt that extended passed her knees and white sandals. A yellow band was placed on her left arm indicated that she was the class representative.

She stepped forward to the middle of the class, threw her bag on one of the desks after grabbing hold of a notebook from within. “Here also? What a mess!! Is it my responsibility, I Jenny, the class representative, to clean it? Ahh, what a pain!” she mumbled to herself as she went to the back of the class. She stretched her arms picking a small dustpan and soft brush. She started sweeping the whole class attempting to get rid of the feathers. The class returned as new as it was. “Phew.” she uttered taking a deep breath and exhaling as a smile crawled up to her face. “Gotta hurry before anyone shows up!” she stated, rushing her way to the toilet.


The class began filling back with the rest of the students greeting each other. She returned back only to see the class full of feathers scattered again. As dazzling as they rested upon her chair and desk, they scared her so much. “Your kidding me right?” furiously she uttered. “Huh? What?” one of the girls who were passing by questioned. “The feathers, I mean. Do I have to sweep again? Who could’ve done this? I swear I’d cut off both of that person’s hands!” she threatened.

Feathers? What are you talking about? What feathers?” the girl questioned drafting her eyes from left to right.

Those which lay in front of your eyes.the Representative intensely informed.

Is this some kind of a joke? Or are you playing with us a silly prank, Representative Jenny?!!” with discourtesy she asked.

Silently Jenny remained thinking, ‘Is it only me who can see them?’. She glared at the feathers hoping to get an answer for her questions as they shone even brighter than ever.

Found you!” a warm breeze blew as the soft whisper reached her ears. “I finally found you!”. The feathers more brightly shone, blocking entirely her vision.


When her senses returned, she found herself lying on her back on a bed, the light of the lamb above her shone brightly upon her eyes. “She woke up!” a female voice informed. When she looked around, a bunch of girls stood glaring at her worriedly. “Ah.Jenny moaned. “Who are you?

EH?” all of them shouted out.

Joking!Jenny chuckled, grinning proudly..

What… another joke of yours. Don’t scare us. Do you know how worried we were?!” one of them screamed off, tears well up in her eyes.

Jenny, you’ve been asleep for a long time. What happened?” another one posed a question.

Now that you said it, what time is it now?” she demanded an answer.

Nine pm .. exactly? quarter past nine!” a girl with glasses on, retorted.

Eeeh?? I’ve been asleep this entire time?

It’s your first time falling unconscious too. What happened?

I don’t know. Suddenly everything went white after glaring at those-“ she paused, experiencing a flashback of the moments before her collapse. ‘That girl seemed like she can’t see the feathers. Is it only me?’ she thought.

Those?”.. “Those what?” the girls around asked, a puzzled expressions all over their face.

Uh…no nothing. Say, is the class clean?Jenny posed a question out of nowhere.

What kind of a question is this?” one said.

What do you mean?” most of them asked.

Nothing…” she mumbled. “Anyway, I’m going home.

Your father called, and he also dropped by here to check on you. He asked us to call him back in case anything new happened.” One of them informed.

Oh yeah. He must’ve been too busy as to take care of his pathetic daughter collapsing all of the sudden for the first time in her entire life.Jenny complained.

Positive thinking, positive thinking!!” the girl with the glasses reminded.

Yeah, don’t think so badly of your father. It was sudden and strange too, for you to collapse having done nothing and being in good health. Maybe he thought of this as an act from you to draw some attention.

He should spoil me a little…” she murmured. Without replying to them, Jenny head toward the exit door, held the doorknob and turned around to them. “Um…where are we?” she asked with embarrassment.

Everyone answered with a sigh. “I’ll show you the way.” One of them offered.

Out of the nurse room, they walked down a long hallway, up some stairs, turned a corner and at last found their destination. Since the building they enrolled in had no specific time to close, they were free to use any room they’d like. “The class seems more lonely and intimidating when everyone leave.” the girl accompanying Jenny announced. “Yeah, it does.Jenny assured. “Then, I’ll leave first. I guess you have a lot of things to do before leaving.

Yeah, it seems so. One last question!

What?” she looked at her ready for the question.

Have you seen any feathers? In the class or maybe outside..Jenny asked. “Nope. Why?

No, it’s nothing. I think I lost it..” she uttered with disappointment.

Very well then, I’ll see you tomorrow. Take good care of yourself.” she said, bidding farewell and vanishing like wind. “Do I sense fear from this room?Jenny stood there wondering. It wasn’t long until she finished up her work and went directly to the entrance hall, encountering the same warm breeze once again. It came from the back hallway, which leads to the science department. She followed all the way where the breeze was blowing, and finally reached the enormous room, a laboratory. At first, she hesitated, but the whisper she heard afterward, lured her in. “Come to me, my dear Countess!


Courageously, she opened the door. It was pitch dark inside. With a touch on a flat triangular touch screen sensor placed on the wall, the lights on the right side of the laboratory flickered on. The lab seemed normal; no presence of a single human being could be spotted.

My imagination?” she mumbled.

Finally…Finally I found you!” the same voice, but loud and clear she heard the moment she decided to leave. When she turned, no one was there. “I never thought you would be in such a place!” the voice continued to speak. “Uh..h..I heard rumors..about the building being..” she gulped and continued on, “..haunted, but…this is too much…” she stuttered and shivered unable to analyze the situation. “Hey. I’m talking to you here. Stop looking there!” the voice ordered. With fear overwhelming her, she couldn’t move an inch. A dried laugh was the only thing she could produce…

Hello? Miss! Don’t I deserve a look here?” the voice pleaded. The intimidating atmosphere dominating the lab seemed to vanish bit by bit. Enough strength has regained her and she took a quick glance at the whole place, stopping at her left side, on one of the tables laid a laptop. The monitor shone brightly, showing a short young boy, about 18 years old, with his arms folded together. He had a brown hair falling half in front of his right ear and pretty much completely covering the other ear. Most of his hair came flat down almost covering his forehead. He wore a blue jacket half sleeved over a white shirt and a blue shorts. On both of his wrists, he wore a black bandage. “Hi!” he greeted. “Ah..it’s you only! You scared the hell out of me. What are you doing here all alone?? Where’s your owner??” she inquired getting near to the table. “Uh…I’m talking!! A person inside the laptop is talking!! Aren’t you surprised?” he said eager as to hear the reaction of such a fact. “What? Is it strange to see a person inside a computer talking? Aren’t you programmed to do so?” curiously she wondered.

Not like that…but, a reeeeal person interacting with you…isn’t it too..much??” he stuttered, looking quite surprised.

Boy!!” she pointed out stoutly. “Do you think I’m from medieval?” she asked crouching toward him. He rubbed the back of his head stuttering, “Th-that’s not..what I meant..”. “So, what are you doing here-“ “I was waiting for you!” a serious look invaded his face as he interfered, irresistible to answer. “Who brought you here-” “-I came by myself!

Where is your owner-” “-In another world!” he interfered again.

You know his address-” “-I can take you to him!

Having him reply to each of her questions, the representative sighed and eyed him intently. “You’re brave enough as to talk back.” she praised. “I’m honored to hear such a compliment.” he smiled softly. “Well then, it’s time to head back home.”. “W-wait!” he shouted. “Be careful on your way home!” she waved heading out.

The feathers…” he announced, paralyzing Jenny before she could twist the doorknob. “The feathers were dazzling, weren’t they? Doesn’t the countess wish to see them once again?” ..




6 comments:

  1. A new story. Not the one I announced to write.
    Harsh comments are more than welcome =)
    My first attempt at writing in third person view. If there's any mistake or I lack in anything, please do point them out.
    Enjoy reading~

    ReplyDelete
  2. So a harsh comment now, mwahahahahaha..*cough**cough*

    Ok, there are some grammar mistakes, but the story is still readable. There are however two places where the reaction of characters is quite unnatural. To be exact, it's in their speech. (Details below)

    The 3rd person style is well made. Your earlier stories sometimes concentrated too much on the mental condition of the main character and on what toughts are running in her head, that it sometimes covered what is happening in the story. As I few times already said, some sort of story teller was missing there from time to time. Since that you've improved a lot. Your last story from school environment was good as well. That was in 1st person, but Jenny herself was the story-teller so the reader knew what is happenning around, and not only what is running in her head. But don't avoid the moments of thoughts completely. There are moments where it's needed and also welcomed to say what this or that person think about, or what she dream about. The 3rd person allows you to write about thoughts, likings and dreams also of other characters, not only those of Jenny.

    So to summarize it, it was a good chapter with something what will bring me back to read it's continue. You made now a good start, so don't ruin it :)

    Now a list of mistakes (original sentence is first, corrected is second):

    door swung open -> door opened

    wearing a light pink blouse, a white skirt that extended passed her knees
    wearing a light pink blouse, a white skirt that extended below her knees

    A yellow band was placed on her left arm indicated that she was the class representative.
    A yellow band was placed on her left arm indicating that she was the class representative.

    after grabbing hold of a notebook from within.
    after grabbing a notebook from within.

    Is it my responsibility, I Jenny, the class representative, to clean it?
    Is it a class representative's responsibility to clean it?
    (sounds very strange with expressed name, find another way how to introduce Jenny's name)

    “Your kidding me right?” furiously she uttered.
    “You're kidding me right?” she uttered furiously.

    “Is this some kind of a joke? Or are you playing with us a silly prank, Representative Jenny?!!”
    “Is this some kind of a joke? Or are you playing with us a silly prank, Jenny?!!”
    (Supposing the classmates are friends, it's not probable that someone would call her so formally.)

    with discourtesy she asked.
    she asked uncomprehendingly.
    (Honestly, there wasn't a discourtesy in her question, rather a confusion. In a case the girl is in some fight with Jenny, then she may be finding ways how to discredit her, pointing on Jenny's mistakes and imperfection. It may be for example a girl that wanted to be the representative, but Jenny got the position instead of her. Then some sharper tone in her question is possible and she may in her question express "representative Jenny" to point out she is not fitting to be a representative. Then her question may be called as discourteous. But you'd then need to inform about the fight beween Jenny and the girl and introduce a bit the reader. For example that the girl is jealous that Jenny got the position of class representative.)

    The feathers more brightly shone, blocking entirely her vision.
    The feathers shone more brightly, blocking entirely her vision.

    she found herself lying on her back on a bed
    she found herself lying on a bed

    the light of the lamb above her shone brightly upon her eyes.
    the light of a lamp above her shone brightly upon her eyes.
    (Haha, at first she saw shining feathers, now even shining lambs. Interesting story ^^ )

    the girls around asked, a puzzled expressions all over their face.
    the girls around asked, a puzzled expressions all over their faces.
    (I hope each girl has her own face, not sharing one face together ^^ )

    ReplyDelete
  3. You've been using your name almost in every story you've written. I know its hard not to place yourself in your story (because we're all die-hard fans of ourselves) but you might consider doing so ninja-style. Perhaps not use your common associated names and use something like ........................... not pencil related!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ara ara? A-chan! hisashiburi~
    Hmm you've got a point..
    but you see, the matter is somehow complicated...umm if I were to put the reason in words...let's see..because I find it hard to invent incidents if I were to use a name other than Jenny =___=
    Frankly, I'd like to stick with this name for a little longer. I found the name cute, no more no less. Btw, I didn't use the name in each and every story I wrote. I don't remember using this name in "Story of a-s" that I wrote.....or did I? @_@;;
    Anyway, I'll work with your suggestion the next time I write a new story.

    Pencil?? again? in the end it seems futile not to drag the name "Pencil' when talking to SomeSome T_T

    ReplyDelete
  5. The one error that was made in the story seems to be "the doorknob" of the laboratory. Although I didn't describe how its doors were, but an electronic one was in my mind. Failed to tell, huh? ahh well...

    ReplyDelete
  6. As for the long comment~
    Now that you said it, your right. I've always concentrated on what the main character thinks and ponders.
    Wait, there wasn't any 1st person. Jenny isn't the story-teller, but rather someone else narrating. It seems I can't balance between the two. Either stick entirely with the main character's thought and feelings or get rid entirely of their thoughts -___- I'll keep this in mind while writing the next chapy.
    Let's see some I mean one of your corrections ^^;; :
    -The sentence "the door swung open" was used in many of the stories I've read so far. I don't think its wrong, well I hope so ..
    As for the rest, I do look like an idiot. So many and I didn't notice..well let's make a white lie here. I noticed but didn't had
    the energy to correct ;;>.>

    ReplyDelete