My Half Existence II

~< My Half Existence II >~

“Mother?

Dark and light never go together.

But is it possible, mother, for people to live only with light?

My light straight in front of me and my shadow behind me never I can go forward. Whenever I move, I am held by my shadow. It sticks its hands around my feet trapping my body in a place where no one exists.

I can see everyone, but I can speak to none. With this shadow beneath me I dare not open to anyone.

Has love been that hard to let go of me, mother?

Did I make a mistake?

I never thought I would drive someone into this state of madness…

Mother…what am I supposed to do?”

A hole…

There was a hole not so far from me, inside my shadow.

“I am about to see the core of my own shadow. It’s calling for me. My shadow’s desire…that’s what I’m about to see.”

I went to see, but my intention changed. What I wanted was only to take a glance at it, nevertheless, I climbed the ladder down the hole where the darkest spot lied…calling for me…eagerly wanting me to put my first step, but when?

The ladder seemed to have no end.

My heart beat fast and I continued climbing down the ladder not realizing what and why am I doing this…

Cold air was coming from beneath. Looking down, I could see snow dripping out from it.

My feelings kept sending signals to my body asking for help, but only dead silence was the reply.

I stood like a bystander watching the conflict between my body rebelling my feelings. Though I had enough strength to put this to an end, yet I kept only watching. Moreover, I pledged my allegiance to it.

However, only one organ refused to obey…My heart.

It bounded faster than the hands of the clock and warmed my whole body against the cold air.

“It warms me as much as it hurts…”

In the middle of the way, everything changed.

I was paralyzed and entirely stripped from emotions…

I closed my eyes to calm my heart for it’s the only piece of my body which was functioning.

An icy wind came beneath me…”is it the cold air or is it the coldness of fear?”

For the first time I felt confused over what to believe.

I got scared from looking beneath my feet where my shadow resides…the shadow which wanders through the endless darkness. Although it was with me all the time, however, I felt scared to acknowledge its existence with me.

Strange feelings overwhelmed me.

“I’m scared to die.” why? I wasn’t scared from death before. I’ve never committed any sin. “Why am I scared?”

I could imagine myself when I let go of the ladder. Off I’ll fall into that spot where I’ll be devoured by the darkness and die…the darkness of my half existence, my shadow.

“Why am I suffocating?”

I raised my hand trying to get my soul back…the soul that was being pulled in further by the darkness.

It took me couple of seconds before the idea of giving up popped into my head…giving up to what I called fate…

I recognized it by its smell, the smell that was emanating from that spot. “Yes, the smell of fate which I can recognize among thousands of other smells…a smell which tastes like pure death.”

As long as that shadow kept clinging into me, I couldn’t continue on living the way I am…

“What you are now is what you worked hard to be!”

That was until I met her…

“Light and darkness are one.”

“The world will be in chaos then…”

“It’s not going to be destroyed.”

“The world is going to close then…”

“What will close it is your own fear.”

“Fear of what?”

“Fear of your half existence.”

“My shadow?”

“On one side we have light and on the other side…darkness.

Don’t close your heart. If you sink into that darkness, the world will end. The world will be sealed in darkness.

You can get over it with your own will. Only you can control it, your half existence, your shadow.

You can pass the obstacles by believing in it. You’re here in order to divert the darkness and call upon the light, your other half existence.”
“My light?”
“Look in front of you. Your light is right here for you. Look behind you. Your shadow is there for you.

Your past and future makes your present.

Your light must be connected with your shadow. Never do the twins separate apart.”

Mother…you were wrong.

“But my shadow is destroying my future.”

“Your shadow builds your future…”

“It can’t be. I am now like this all because of what my shadow built for me.”

“Now that you understand your own shadow, you can change.”

Change…mother, is what I learned.

“Only you can give shape to your future with the help of what your shadow builds.

If it wasn’t set as what you desired, you can always change.

Your shadow is like clay which you can design the way you want. Correct it if it went wrong. Change it into a better shape if the current one didn’t match your taste. Believe in yourself. You can open up the future, the future which you desire. You also have bonds that must never be lost.”

“Bonds? Who and where?”

“Right in front of you.”

I can see, mother, the people whom I was once blind to notice.

“Your character is never to be thrown away no matter how worse it made you look.

With only good points, you won’t come to the level of satisfaction nor will you get people around you for long.

Your good and bad sides make you a real human being. One who is among us, one of us. That what completes you as a creature who has the power to broke through the continuum.”

I have been a valuable person, mother.

“The shadow of poverty exists in many people. It never was a sin. Having no hands to change the condition we are to bear with when born, its normal for us to feel down and embarrassed. But we can get that negative side into a positive one.”

I have been working hard to get a better position.

“Yes, having a goal set in your mind, nothing can stop you from moving forward, neither people nor words. Your shadow will build a bright future for you. The future, in which you’ll attain afterward, will show you what shadows are capable to do only when used correctly. You’ll eat the fruits of what seemed, for some people, as a rotten tree. Never abandon your shadow!”

I learned not to wait for someone to grab my dream not even for the future to open up by itself. I was determined to take the first steps to become courageous, to change myself the way I want, to change the world with it…along with my half existences…

Mother!

My shadow is with me and so is my light. I am here the way I am because of them.

Mother!

I can go on living now…Your daughter is not alone